Let's get the complaints out of the way - the lobster rolls are expensive and not all that large. You should probably have known that before coming here, especially if you are reading this Yelp review.
Otherwise, really fantastic lobster roll. It's fresh and delicious. I certainly wish I could (afford to) eat 5 or 6 of them in a sitting. Considering it's fresh, Maine lobster - it just might be reasonable. Sometimes you have to splurge on a beautiful summer afternoon.
-Benjamin, DUMBO Brooklyn
According to Science, or maybe the latest trending meme (hard to tell which is more accurate these days), Tuesdays are proven to be the most depressing day of the week. For Benjamin, Tuesday could also be Wednesday, Thursday, or well…you get the point. It wasn’t that anything was cataclysmically wrong it was just that Benjamin felt a constant dissatisfaction for his life he’d never been able to set right. Where one happy moment could occur, his subconscious “woe-is-me” voice would rise up and spew negativity on the instance or create a bigger neighboring storm to distract.
When Benjamin was growing up, he was inadvertently drawn to comedy series Seinfeld. Not old enough to get every joke or cultural reference, he felt at home with George Costanza because no matter what he did right, or planned out in methodical detail, there was always long stints of neuroses, vein bulging screams, and of course, major mistakes made. As puberty and adolescence wore on, he found no one quite like George he could relate to. Small inconveniences would trigger his outbursts in such a way that at first were jarring to his parents then eventually were drowned out. Whether it was his backpack arm loop always hooking into his door handle on his rush out of the house for school, or that his glasses always needed a small lift from his index finger regardless of the constant tightening. Once at church, the priest opted to call him Ben instead of Benjamin.
Benjamin knew his name had a common hazard of being abbreviated, and also knew that most people would find the moment innocuous. In the moment Benjamin curtly smiled at the holy man, took his blessing and pretended to ignore the blatant laziness that denying to speak three whole syllables demonstrates. This mild inconvenience snowballed into an inner outrage that oozed out of him for the rest of the day. Directly resulting in his banishment from Sizzler for tossing the entire children’s buffet because the food specials sign was old, and they in fact did NOT have dinosaur chicken nuggets.
It would be easier to say life was like waking up on the wrong side of the bed, fueled by a nights rest in his self-made defeatist security blankets.
After being introduced to therapy, Benjamin tried to live life with what was described as “PMA” or positive mental attitude. That for Benjamin was like trying on shoes that didn’t support the actual bandwidth of your body, and shortly after a few walking blocks you’d begin to feel the pain, but your stubbornness would keep you from trashing good shoes because of your own stupidity. Benjamin attempted to adopt positivity, hoping at the very least his family wouldn’t completely give up on him, but then his pen would run out of ink during a pop quiz or he’d get a stain on his white shirt at spaghetti night; and the boiling pot inside him would bubble, and bubble until it eventually burst through the lid. Eventually he convinced himself that while others would walk through life unencumbered by daily grievances, his only savior was being able to anticipate life’s inevitable misfortunes and preparing for them as best as possible. When Alanis Morissette released the song “Ironic” Benjamin had the most exhilarating three minutes and forty-something seconds of his life. Finally, a song he could truly relate to. His final breakthrough was discovering sarcasm and and imbedding it into the foundation of his social skills.
Now in his mid-30s, Benjamin had evolved his emo adolescent behavior into a superior persona that allowed him to believe he was always unequivocally right. Benjamin became an elite student which carried him to a pristine college maintaining an enviable grade point average. Then not so ironically to a mediocre job where a high grade point average got him the same cubicle type office that Steven from community college had. Benjamin of course saw this coming. But thanks to bar trivia nights where he could flex his brain power in front of an audience, there was a happy medium.
Lately, he had been most troubled by his financial status. By tax standards he was wealthy enough, but he knew better than to believe in what the government decides is “wealthy enough.” Like many New Yorkers, Benjamin landed himself a high rent apartment, that was technically outside of the comfortable means of his budget, but he prioritized a modern and updated living space and the clout that living in DUMBO now provided him. He could be at a party or on a blind date and say he lived in DUMBO and people would appear visibly impressed. The area wasn’t always synonymous with impressive real estate, but before the area began to boom with start ups and Sweetgreen going trust fund babies, Benjamin found an up and coming development in the area with bridge and water views that would lend him a mild discount in rent while living through ongoing construction. Having a jack hammer or crane work commence just after dawn was just another life impediment he welcomed and expected.
The trouble with living in a price hiked apartment was that Benjamin could do little aside from living in a price hiked apartment. As a payroll operations manager he monitored employees earnings and created large invoices for their employers to pay them. He understood more than anyone the reality of taxes, and what a high earning actually yielded. He also managed his clients finances in the process, so he was more than aware of budgetary constraint practices. Unfortunately, Benjamin often had delusional tactics of managing his own funds. The apartment was one thing, but the additional life expenses of being in New York were always more than anticipated. Not to say that Benjamin was the night club and bottle service type (that was left for the Lower Manhattan Uniform Men), but he did enjoy food. As a defense against the New York restaurant market that liked to charge $20+ for a hamburger the size of a toddlers fist (thanks for the truffle cheese?), Benjamin declared budget food in New York as the ultimate find. So grabbing a cheap slice or finding an authentic Mexican spot that served a trough of food for $9.99 was more appealing to him than gravitating to his neighborhood’s hottest new restaurant; which popped up more and more frequently as the area continued to gentrify. “Did we really need a California inspired wine bar that serves a piece of lettuce for $15 and allows me to taste a $200 bottle of wine in a flight?” A comment he once made in a restaurant review board for a pompous wine bar that called itself un-intimidating, but had the ambience of an insane asylum.
Superior Benjamin would not be made to look like a pauper just because he was limited to happy hour pricing so he used popular food review website Yelp to display his finds for a wide audience. Always hoping that his sound piece of advice for or against a cheap eat would garner hundreds of thumbs up from readers. Nightly he would read other Yelpers’ words and scoff at their pompous and long winded views of his favorite spots. He usually posted a rebuttal.
“If you’re looking for generic NY pizza, take a walk to Grimaldis. There you’ll find Sally from Iowa in line, who also read about Grimaldis in the Yellow Pages from 1964. But if you’re ready to order like a real NYer, you’ll find your nirvana at this grab and go slice shop that will not, and does not, care about your fake gluten allergy.” Another goodie from his portfolio.
One Saturday afternoon, Benjamin decided to treat himself to a delectable lunch. He had been in the area for so long, but had yet to experience the lobster roll chain, Luke’s Lobster. While he revered himself as being the budget eater, he needed the occasional simple splurge to feed his ego, and based on reviews and word on the cobble stone streets, Luke’s was not for the cautious spender. It was going to be a hot one with the day peaking around 90 and sure enough the humidity would make the air thick and weigh in at 120. Benjamin was used to NY Summers, but it wouldn’t stop him from complaining about it. His utilities bill would go up astronomically and he would be feeling the never ending flow of back sweat which with every dribble down his spine caused him severe anguish. He could choose to hibernate in his AC’d abode, but it felt better to verbally picket the season to anyone who’d accompany him throughout these long months. His coworkers were the majority to fall victim to Benjamin’s anti-summer comedy routine. Beginning with his elevator rides to the 12th floor and whomever wandered into the break room for coffee. The material rarely changed, and no matter how hot it was, not many appreciated Benjamin’s ice breakers.
“This heat, am I right?”
“Who needs government scientists when you have Trump! Of course its not global warming, those dems are just crazy!”
“It’s like suffocating on a cotton ball out there.”
Benjamin’s comedy act did catch the eye of one of his coworkers, Kady, who happened to have an affection for men who chose glasses over contacts, and loved that he chose to maintain a bald head instead of grooming what sparse hair he had left. She was slightly younger than him at 30 and the only bachelorette in the office. By some people’s standards she was a nerd with her quirky interests in sci-fi and Final Fantasy video games, but she had a sweet, barely aged face thanks to her Chinese heritage, slender figure, and bangs that most men found irresistibly charming. Benjamin had wanted to ask her out for months, and was prompted to do so that evening after she came back to the office with a coffee for him bragging that she made the barista correct his name on the cup after they put “Ben” instead of “Benjamin.” That act of kindness was so rare in Benjamin’s world he took it as a sign that tonight would be the night he would make his move. They had always maintained a nice friendly rapport even though their offices were on opposite sides of the floor and Benjamin never quite knew what to say to her so he let her do most of the talking. Often times he would find himself at home on his foam roller because he would be craning his body down so low to talk to her. He found this pain and the price of the foam roller worth it. His past with women naturally wasn’t what most would call a success story. So even though taking a chance on asking Kady out went against everything inside of him, including his respect for the #MeToo movement, he was very comfortable with female rejection and could live with either outcome.
That night, Benjamin strategically waited near the stairs exit door, aimlessly scrolling through Instagram until Kady appeared down the hall heading towards him. He knew she took the stairs at the end of the day because she enjoyed getting to her daily steps goal. He once heard her telling Gail in Human Resources this while he grabbed coffee and they were chatting over Tupperware lunches. He opened the stairs door for her and they walked down the steps with him trailing behind her. Benjamin hated silence so he filled the void with a synopsis of a New Yorker article he read debunking the common myths about Sunscreen. Kady engaged asking questions as her heels hit the heavy steel steps, further convincing Benjamin he had the green light to ask her out. Finally when they hit the last flight, he asked her to grab a happy hour drink at a spot around the corner which Kady was surprised to be offered, and accepted willingly with little hesitation. Benjamin was surprised, but mostly by the immediate high he felt that was usually reserved for the last satisfying bite of a chicken parm sandwich.
They walked a few blocks and entered a familiar Midtown watering hole and cozied up on a pair of bar stools. The place was moderately full with business attired patrons like themselves drinking at a high frequency, discount well cocktails. Benjamin and Kady stayed for hours, two of which were past the happy hour deadline, but made it into the bar’s weekly Trivia Night. Kady used her prized flirting tactics and Benjamin tried new comedic material she hadn’t heard in the office already. Benjamin rarely wanted to be serious, so if he was to let someone truly get to know him, they’d have to dig through a pile of carefully crafted cloaking jokes to get an easter egg alluding to a shaping life moment. Kady didn’t mind the extra work because it was such a novelty to laugh with a man she was interested in. She had a type which included dating intelligent men who shared similar interests, but it didn’t always give her something to laugh about. To her, Benjamin was sweet, adorable, and completely safe. Even when he showed a few true colors during the Space Balls trivia section and accused the moderator of delivering a trick question.
Like a gentleman, Benjamin closed out the check, a bit put off winning by only 1 point, but still enjoying his evening. Then Kady put her hand on his thigh, and asked if he’d be interested in a nightcap at her place. Benjamin’s smile was all the answer she needed. They took a walk instead of taking the train and made it up the six flights of stairs to Kady’s studio apartment. With the door barely shutting behind them, she clumsily launched herself at him for the first kiss, which caught him off guard, but at his six foot stature, he was able to catch her small figure with only a mild stumble. She led him to her couch and unzipped his pants unabashedly getting on her knees and getting to work. No matter how clairvoyant he believed he was, Benjamin could never have predicted this from Kady. Had he finally evolved into a man women found irresistible?
He opted not to spend the night to avoid the awkwardness of arriving at work with the same clothes the next day. Even though the saving of one metro card swipe appealed to him greatly, he decided swiping thrice the next day to go home and change in the morning would hurt worse. He was nervous at how normal Kady seemed about this one night stand, but figured it was her maturity level that led her to suggest they keep this a secret from their coworkers until they could figure out what this was. He also hoped her normalcy had more to do with him being a coworker and not something always extended to strangers she might have met on a random night out. He told her he had a great time and wanted to get together again soon, but this time for a meal. He left and headed home on the train where he pondered over his sexual expertise. He wondered how she enjoyed it and if her moans were authentic. At one point he flipped her onto her stomach and heard nothing but his own body smacking onto her behind and couldn’t hear any indication that the position was doing something for her; it certainly was for him and he wasn’t shy about vocalizing it. Was her normalcy and insistence that he wouldn’t share the evening’s gossip because she was dissatisfied? As the doors to the train opened at his stop, he had a mind blowing catharsis; He hadn’t asked if she finished.
The next day at the office, Benjamin could not stop replaying the night’s events. So much so that he made more than a few errors when sending clients their payroll invoices for the week. As he continued to overthink his bedroom etiquette, searching for a memory that would resemble anything close to Kady finishing, he thought back to his last girlfriend. She wasn’t as interested in sex as he was, so their time in the bedroom wasn’t the crux of their relationship. Regardless, he knew her finishing wasn’t at a 100% success rate and continued to assume all women functioned on this spectrum. Which is why, out of sheer repetition, he wasn’t overly concerned about Kady. It would be the first time, and hopefully there would be a next time, where he was driven to prove to a woman he was a thoughtful and giving lover.
Benjamin had been avoiding Kady all morning sequestering himself to his office and not even going out to the kitchen for his typical 2-3 rounds of coffee. He had to be suave and collected about inviting her out again. Was he going to act like the confident man he pretended to be or wait until the end of the day to find her walking down the stairs again? He knew what had to be done. He walked out of his office and walked down the long hall to her cubicle at the opposite end with a vigor he’d never felt in his body before. When he arrived he gave her cubicle a little knock on the plastic patrician and she turned her chair to see him. She smiled and removed her reading glasses while saying hello. Benjamin knew that was a good sign as she mentioned how embarrassing it was she had to have readers to look at her computer screen. He put his hands in his jean pockets to appear aloof and asked what she was up to this weekend. He had been dying to try out a recipe for chicken parm and wondered if she’d be interested in being a tasting judge. This of course was a lie, because Benjamin never cooked anything more complicated than a grilled cheese, but he had plenty of time to practice.
Kady gave that girlish frown that is usually reserved for small babies when they look upset. She was going out of town this weekend with a few girlfriends, but she was free tonight if he wanted some company at his place? Benjamin of course had nothing going on this evening save for jumping back into House of Cards after a year hiatus because each time he turned it on he would find himself distracted with minute details about plot credibility. He took Kady’s offer happily and planned to meet in the lobby just after 7.
Back at his desk, Benjamin realized there was nothing he had to worry about. His neurosis had gotten to him again and their night together had gone as good as he felt it did. If she had been actually disappointed there’s no way she would have wanted to make plans the next day. She would have put him on the backburner and made Benjamin pine after her for weeks until he’d sent just enough pathetic text messages to get her to agree to a second date. As the day progressed his ego started to build back it’s foundation and he commended himself on being such an exceptional lover. Of course she would want to come over so soon after, he used his best moves and he recalled being very attentive to her nipples. He knew women loved that. No doubt she was just pining for more because she was hooked.
At 6:55 he packed up and headed downstairs to the lobby where Kady arrived shortly after and they made the walk to the train that would take them into Brooklyn and soon, his home.
When he opened the door and Kady walked in she uttered, “Wow this is your place?” Sending a dizzying wave of euphoria to Benjamin’s head. Kady went on to touch on the high points of the location, the décor, how lucky he was to find this deal... Benjamin could feel the superiority her relishing gave him and the superiority was moving from his head down south. He went to the kitchen to crack open a few beers, giving him an excuse to tuck himself into his waistband, before reappearing. Kady was gawking at the view from his massive windows.
He was nothing if not meticulously clean as he hated the idea of feeling like a failure in his own overpriced apartment and this relied on having systems. He pulled out coasters and laid them on his coffee table and took a seat on the couch, offering a spot to Kady.
After mindless chit chat, they got to the heart of why they were both there on that couch. Benjamin leaned in for the kiss, slowly falling on top of her until she slid down able to grab onto him in full embrace. This time he would not be mistaken for the guy that didn’t care if a woman finished. This time she would finish first and he would feel like the victorious hero, showing men everywhere how to treat their partner. The sweet sounds of Kady’s unwavering pleasure sent Benjamin’s ego skyrocketing well passed the point of chicken parm sandwich bliss. Kady passed out shortly after and lying next to her, Benjamin stared up at the ceiling thinking over all the future possibilities that dating her would bring. After almost two years of being single, he would finally be among the paired up elite. He’d be able to use “we” in his future food reviews, using Kady’s insight to fuel additional feedback. When she woke up the next morning, she quickly realized she was late to meet her friends for their weekend getaway and frantically gathered her things. On her way out she gave him a polite peck on the mouth with a paired hug and assured him she’d talk to him when she was back.
The sun was flowing into Benjamin’s apartment and even though he dreaded the idea of baking in the sweltering Brooklyn heat, he wanted to treat himself after all that had transpired. For the first time it felt like everything was going the exact opposite way he had predicted and that was both endearing and worrisome. He convinced himself that for just today, he’d limit his negativity to the bare minimum. Due to his morose view of the summer, he had plenty of material to work with that didn’t involve Kady.
The walk to Luke’s Lobster caused a heavy flow of sweat down his back and his underboob, giving his light blue tee an unwelcome smear of dark streaks. His legs felt like they were wading through molasses because he refused to air out his legs in shorts and showcase their blinding white complexion. Once he arrived, he agreed with the other reviewers who were impressed by the waterfront location. It was an enviable view if you liked that sort of thing. With the city ahead of him and memories of a sweet sexual escapade only hours behind him he was ready to dive into the tantalizing and rich future that a Boston lobster roll could offer him. It was the weekend so he knew he was getting into full price territory, but the splurge was what he came for. He took a spot at the end of the order line and began to ponder his choices. Looking at the menu on his phone he took a moment to scoff at the gluten free roll option hoping he’d hear someone order that substitution while the rest of their meal was dripping in butter and mayo. He was convinced gluten allergies were faked by diners hoping to look healthier to other overweight Americans. He’d read many studies on the subject to fuel his fire and enjoyed educating anyone that “gluten free” had nothing to do with being healthy. In fact they were largely consuming more carbohydrates by avoiding the real thing. Of course no one listened, but he slept better knowing they probably contemplated this at the grocery store.
He also hated that the menu was cluttered with options. If Luke’s wanted to be the lobster roll mecca, why even have shrimp or crab rolls? If you were coming here, you were a fool to order anything but the signature lobster roll and that’s exactly what he did. He ordered the signature with chips and when his number was called he took his tray to a neighboring table. Benjamin’s first note was the size. It. was. small. He’d heard it was small and thought perhaps people were too picky to appreciate it, but no they were right and it was very literally small. So small in fact it laid delicately inside the palm of his hand with a few inches left to spare. Then he took in a deep inhale of that comforting butter smell and grabbed a squeeze of the warm roll. Regardless of size, it looked and felt like perfection.
His first bite lingered in his mouth, engaging every taste bud causing his eyes to close in food bliss. The lobster meat was delicate, succulent, purely devine. The bun absorbed so much of the buttery liquid, but held up appropriately, not crumbling under the moist weight. He hated nothing more than a weak bread vessel, especially when the filling was so remarkable, it demanded a high-quality partner. When his eyes opened back up he realized his first bite had taken down half of the roll already. It was about to be over, this lobster nirvana. He took a couple chips in the intermission and thought about Kady. He wanted to calculate his next text to her. Should he wait for her to reach out to him? He didn’t want her to think he wasn’t thinking about her, but he didn’t want to impose on her time with friends. He settled that if he didn’t hear from her by this evening he’d at least check to see if she made it to their hotel okay. That seemed harmless and absolutely caring on his part. Screw it he thought. He was on a roll after all.
He typed, “Travel safe. Hope you have a great weekend.” And pressed send.
With the remaining bite of the lobster roll in his hand, the Brooklyn Bridge and city skyline ahead, he couldn’t help but revel in the high of the last few days events and what the future could hold. He actually liked Kady. She laughed at his jokes and seemed to understand the importance of grammatical accuracy when using there, their and they’re. He was surprised by her bedroom behavior based on her sweet exteriors, but was happy to be surprised by anyone.
Before he could even put his phone back in his pocket, Kady responded instantly.
“Sorry I’m so late! About to leave my place. I slept at that Benjamin’s house last night and 2nd chance was NOT the move. I’ll tell you about it later, but his tongue was pure disaster.”
Benjamin read the text twice. He knew she had made a Freudian slip, but he was too big to comment on it. He took the rest of the roll and stuffed the delectable piece into his mouth. He chewed and chewed rolling the lobster meat in his mouth until he could safely swallow. He got up and walked to the back of the Luke’s line. “Sometimes you have to splurge on a beautiful summer afternoon.”
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