Service: 100%. Everyone was very kind, attentive, and helpful Food: 80% bad. The lemonade fried chicken was bland & dry. The brisket was well cooked, but way over seasoned. I think I drank 4 glasses of water trying to eat it due to the saltiness. Mac and cheese had the same over salted issue. Banana pudding was like putting a spoonful of nutmeg in my mouth, inedible. The only redeeming items we had were the biscuits and crispy deviled eggs. If I knew how to make those, I'd make them every weekend. Please pack your knives and go. Update: Food poisoning kicked in about 4 hours after this meal
- Kim, Oakland CA
Kim had recently moved to Brooklyn after what she thought would be a life changing promotion within her company. The old head of HR in the New York office finally settled on 70 as an age appropriate time to retire. Most would say that was about 20 years too long to deal with her antiquated department policies which included fervent requests to communicate via fax machine. Kim was thrilled when she got the call that she was recommended to relocate from dreary Oakland, California to take the aforementioned throne. She had grown tired of pretending that the Raiders or any sport for that matter was her whole existence and her partner Stella had begun to show signs of heterosexuality. Plus how could anyone live a culturally fulfilling life in the barren wasteland between San Jose and bustling San Francisco? Kim didn’t want to be one of those women stuck in a rut forced to die in the same city she had grown up in. It was time at the age of 32 to move on and find a new life and hopefully love on the East Coast. If she couldn’t make it in New York, she couldn’t make it anywhere.
Sincerely underestimating the relocation per diem she was given, Kim quickly discovered her dream of living in Manhattan would have to be put on hold. And from what she’d heard from the only friend, well more like the college acquaintance she had in NY, Brooklyn was the next best and hip option. Brooklyn would also provide her more open space and the neighborhood comforts she was used to, to house the two mutt Chihuahuas she had inherited from her failed relationship, Gordo and Chachi.
So here Kim was, living in Bushwick in a commercial style loft with an accessible rooftop (aka the yard) with two roommates she had found through that same college acquaintance. They didn’t have a lot in common, save for watching the Bravo competition series, Top Chef. Kim wasn’t an artist or a literary, or fashionably curated like her roommates, but the one thing she knew was universal, was food. So she relied on her home cooking skills, and many years of watching Giada to put together themed appetizers and snacks for her roommates and her to watch the chefs duke it out in the kitchen. As the weeks passed on, Kim got closer to her roommates June and Harry, who had been living in the building since, “before the neighborhood was cool.” Kim learned this was a prideful comment most long-term New Yorkers would say to esteem themselves as elders and not newbies like Kim.
On their walks to get coffee the two would act as tour guides and point out things like, “That was the ONLY edible and safe deli before it was a Starbucks.” Apparently June would flirt regularly with the cook in her night owl slinky outfits in the hopes of getting fries with her falafel for free. And they loved to mention the alley behind their building was a hotbed of hookers and drug deals and how getting around before Uber was impossible. Thankful that she had missed this prehistoric time as her sheltered West Coast upbringing couldn’t handle that kind of rough terrain, Kim was still happy to hear their war stories.
Harry worked at a startup clothing company for an moderately known Influencer while June took to a more practical career as a life coach currently in the midst of writing her first novel; part self help book, part harrowing auto-biography. She also bartended and DJ'd at a local dive bar. The only thing more baffling than what their day-to-day routine looked like, was how they could afford living in NY with their constant late nights out and infrequent pay schedule. It was often explained to her that while you can have a day job, adding various quick gigs via errand apps, cam shows and dog walking should be arranged to supplement a demanding social lifestyle.
Kim felt like a rare breed living such a regimented and consistent life in this freelance hustling climate. She had her dogs, her Monday through Friday 9 to 5, and she was esteemed as the youngest HR officer in the bank's history garnering myths like a 401k and a significant savings account (that she would never consider dipping into for superfluous purchases). The job lacked perks and fulfillment, but stability was a non-negotiable need Kim had. Another need Kim had was romance.
Coming out in Oakland, she didn't pursue rigorous dating enterprises like some of her friends, mainly because of fear and limited confidence. Dating apps like Tinder terrified her (she was awful with small talk) and going to a gay bar made her itch with anxiety.
"Is she looking at me or at the girl behind me?"
"I hate the way I'm sitting. Is it weird that I'm sitting cross legged? Should I be standing?"
"Can anyone tell my vagina is sweating?"
She also grew up with 4 brothers, and for them her sexual orientation was much more palatable if she adhered to the butch lesbian look, which was not how she envisioned herself, but she understood they like everyone needed time to process her coming out. She had other opportunities down the line to reinvent herself, but the longer she waited she couldn't deal with the potential firing squad of obnoxious questions that might await her for choosing to do something outrageous like wear a skirt or throw on some blush; another consolation prize for staying in your home town.
Years older and finally in a new state, she had to capitalize on this unique opportunity to curate a new look that would coalesce with her personality. Maybe she’d feel more comfortable as a “lipstick” lesbian as her naive brothers would describe it, or was she actually comfortable in her Birkenstocks and jorts? The only set back she had now was that she was currently in a friend deficit, and if you wanted to do the whole reinvent yourself thing, you needed trusted friends to give unbiased opinions and veto terrible ideas that didn't keep you grounded in reality.
After 6 months of living together, the threesome were watching the latest episode of Top Chef, and Kim felt confident enough to ask June and Harry their advice her style. Picking up on Kim’s sensitive character they took turns responding like kind parents sprinkling in a compliment for every 2-3 negative critiques.
"You have really great skin, so wearing heinous color combinations like this make people want to run in the opposite direction."
Kim was wearing the popular gingham patterned pant (wide leg) in burnt sienna with a forest green button up. She looked like stumpy oak tree. The verdict was evident; she definitely needed a style overhaul, and a bit of an internal jumpstart.
Harry and June learned early on Kim wasn’t quite over Stella, the woman who stole her heart at a mutual friend’s 4th of July barbecue, but was now was in a happy, picture perfect relationship with a guy named Brad (of course his name was Brad). Thanks for that update Instagram, it sent Kim spiraling for two weeks straight. The duo had to confiscate Kim's phone to keep her from making tear ridden calls to Stella to ask what Brad had that she didn't have. Now that Kim had voluntarily approached them for advice, they were elated to transition from talking shit about their depressing roommate behind her back to escorting her through the commonly practiced activity of any New Yorker; Dating.
They poured Kim another glass of rose, it was all that was consumed in the Summer, and dug into Kim’s dating past. All her likes, dislikes, failures and ones-that-got-away. As a practicing life coach, June took the most pleasure in providing insight, especially when Kim opened up about her one college acquaintance who lived in the city
Kim met Cassie at San Francisco State and carried on what Kim thought was a flirtatious friendship. They had several classes in common and one night they were studying for an Economics exam sophomore year in the library and Kim accidentally grazed Cassie’s thigh trying to grab a loose pen that fell off the table. Cassie kissed her, but then said she was tired and headed back to her dorm. Kim saw her in class for the exam and received an awkward nonchalant head nod. Kim wasn’t the type to bring up something that could potentially cause an uncomfortable altercation, so she refused to draw attention to it unless Cassie did. Which Cassie never did. The next two years carried on, sometimes finding themselves in the same classes occasionally sharing notes, but never studying in the library alone again. Kim always wondered what would have happened if she had pursued her, but she figured having a friend wasn’t the worst thing. Technically she was right, because Cassie was quick to answer Kim’s Facebook message when she told her she was moving to New York and needed advice and help finding a place. Cassie was now working in the corporate office of Equinox as a marketing director.
June was giddy with excitement. Neither June or Harry really knew Cassie, but they had some mutual friends that allowed for Cassie to find out there was an open room in their apartment; which she shared with Kim. June opened Facebook on her laptop which lead them to Cassie’s Instagram page, and the three of them began their Cassie history lesson. Cassie didn’t have any visible boyfriends in her past or current and while it was difficult to surmise any lesbian tendencies from her posts, this was exactly the kind of exercise in confidence and dating that Kim needed. June gave Kim her first assignment as her life coach client and told her to ask Cassie to dinner. Even if Cassie wasn’t gay, at the very least she could put this college ghost to rest and carry on unencumbered in her New York lesbian parade. If Kim went through with this, Harry would bring home options that would give Kim's style a safe, but transformative 360. He explained that her figure was great, but it was a shame no one could see it under her maternity sized mom button ups and standard jorts. He did love her pixie hair cut because at least it accentuated her flawless facial structure, and almond eyes. She didn’t have to wear a dress to be attractive, but being aesthetically jumbled wouldn’t show the world she was internally put together.
The next day, Kim was wrapping up her tedious day of paperwork and emails when she decided to log on to Facebook and ask Cassie out. She told her that it had been long enough with her in the city, and she wanted to take her out to dinner to thank her for all her New Yorker insight. To Kim’s surprise, Cassie responded within a few minutes. Trying not to slip too much on her rapidly sweating fingers, Kim typed asking if she was free this Friday and that she had the perfect place in mind. Cassie agreed and gave Kim her cell. Kim logged off feeling accomplished and terrified all at the same time. The last time she had been on a real date was 3 years ago and the woman was older and lead the whole experience removing any responsibility on Kim's part to plan or be anything aside from a cooperative conversationalist.
When Kim arrived home she gave Harry and June her progress report and both were pleased with the news. Kim decided to take Cassie to the newest restaurant opened in their area, that was aptly owned by one of last seasons, Top Chef competitors. It was a soul food focused establishment that wanted to elevate the primary menu most of America had grown accustomed to like corn bread, fried chicken and grits.
Friday came around and Kim was equipped with the perfect date outfit provided as promised by Harry. No jorts or mom shirts in sight, Kim would be seeing Cassie after almost 10 years in a black flowy pant romper with a boat- neck front, and racer-back crochet applique. It wasn’t incredibly overindulgent, but it didn’t completely shelter her figure like her oversized shirts of the past. Harry and June were proud parents seeing Kim off her on her first real New York date. Since it was Friday, they probably wouldn’t be home until late/dawn so she had the opportunity to bring Cassie back should all go as hopefully planned. Kim wasn’t as optimistic, but in this new outfit, she did feel a new kind of confidence and general excitement for the night ahead. She kissed Gordo and Chachi goodnight and left for the restaurant on foot.
She arrived out front of the wooden faced Butterfunk Kitchen 15 minutes early. It was best that Cassie met her since she lived on the west side of Manhattan and since this was a first date, hangout, whatever, she didn’t want to throw an antiquated pick up into the mix. Plus it didn’t seem like the New York thing to do. The restaurant was already packed and she could smell the sweet scent of corn wafting each time someone exited the doors. Five minutes before their eight o’clock reservation, Cassie turned the corner and walked towards Kim. She was a lot shorter than Kim remembered, but still maintained her long stick straight brown hair and feminine curvature. Kim instantly remembered what it was that made her introduce herself in economics class, that coquettish smile that alluded to a sweet disposition. She carried that same smile down the block towards Kim before pausing as they came face to face. “Great to see you!” Cassie said and gave Kim a one armed hug. Kim hugged Cassie back, nervous Cassie could feel her quickening heartbeat as their chests met. Kim separated first and held the door open for Cassie to great the hostess.
The space wasn’t big, almost claustrophobic you could say, but it was vibrant and everything you’d expect from a Bushwick neighborhood eatery. The hostess was wildly polite and enthusiastic to seat the two women at their table underneath a mélange of scattered framed photographs of what Kim assumed were vintage photographs from the chef’s family tree.
Their server, a bright eyed and punny male was on point with their menu and water drop off. He took their drink orders of cheap beer and left hem to peruse the menu. Kim and Cassie played a game of catch up while multi-tasking and skimming through the menu items. Cassie had moved to New York almost immediately after college and moved apartments probably 3 times since. She wasn’t one for commitment when it came to real estate so leaning on sublets or living out the end of a friends lease was enough to help her figure out that Tribeca was the neighborhood for her. Plus its proximity to her job was admittedly the greater sell. She loved living in her Manhattan bubble and mentioned this venture into Brooklyn was a first in almost a year. She stumbled into her job via a friend at a Women in Business networking event at a Lower East Side dive bar. She had no idea being a Marketing Director meant spending countless hours drowning in spreadsheets and social media projection graphs, or saying things like, “That’s not on brand,” over and over, but it was a job full of perks including a gratis membership at one of the most coveted fitness establishments in all of New York. Sure, her body wasn’t what she would call picturesque, but being an Equinox member was more about being there (and seen there), than it was about the perfect body type. At least that was the message she was told to tote as their marketing guru.
Kim gave Cassie the bullet points of her past in Oakland since they graduated. She got a job at a bank pretty soon after and moved up the ladder in the Human Resources department until she arrived here. She also mentioned her last relationship with Stella trying to see if her lesbian mentions would stir any sort of physical or verbal response in Cassie; which it did not. The female name of Stella seemed to go right over Cassie’s head anticlimactically. While it was polite that Cassie didn’t show some outcry of shock, Kim assumed it had more to do with their past brief intimate moment in the library and her being gay couldn’t have been a surprise.
They decided to split a few signature items after Kim went into detail about the merit of the chef/owner’s experience on Top Chef and how excited she was to finally try his cuisine in person. No longer would she be confined to imagining what his entrees would actually ignite in her palate. Cassie was a hopeful foodie who had no choice but to fall into the eating out trend after living in New York the last 10 years. She was overwhelmed by all the enticing menu options and was glad to have Kim help choose and share. Their enthused server came over and commended them on ordering the lemonade fried chicken, brisket, mac and cheese and starters of deviled eggs and biscuits.
The starters came and Kim and Cassie were thrilled with the deviled eggs. They were modern in their deconstructed presentation. The eggs themselves were fried over and the yolk “deviled” mixture laid on top in a yogurt swirled formation. The marriage of crispy and creamy was the perfect combination of indulgence and comfort. It reminded them of home and family get togethers. Not that anyone in their prospective families made them, but it was the unspoken must purchase for any respectable summer potluck. They couldn’t get enough. Kim noted Martha Stewart’s recipe and how she longed to perfect it, but the time it would take to put the accouterment together was too stressful even in written recipe form.
The biscuits were another kind of dream; flaky, buttery, and simply divine.
Between bites, Cassie shared stories about her first years living in New York and how transformative they were. In college she felt awkward and unsure of herself, but living in the city suited her and pushed her to define herself. She bounced from social group to social group trying to find the right fit between being a weekend party girl and museum junkie. When she realized the beauty of being in New York meant you could actually have it all, her anxieties about fitting into one social genre faded and she was able to seamlessly blend into her own Manhattan routine. Some nights weekend party girl, some stretches of weeks bouncing from the Met to the Guggenheim.
Hearing how Cassie had grown into herself as this confident, and intellectually stimulating woman gave Kim a punch to the gut of butterflies. She only half expected to find Cassie attractive after all these years, not someone she would actually hope to date. Kim was embarrassed she hadn’t had a chance to visit any of the museums the city had to offer, but Cassie was excited by Kim’s admission because it meant she might have a new companion to show around. Cassie explained there was a new exhibit she’d been dying to see at the MoMa and thought it would be the perfect opportunity for a first-timer like Kim. Kim tried not to smile too much at the mention of a potential second date, but her cheeks thought differently and she could feel them flush without warning.
Luckily the entrees arrived and broke up Kim’s love fog. The fried chicken came out in a trendy wire basket, with the chicken nestled atop wax paper. The skin looked crispy, but not too flaky. The brisket was cut thin and served on a generous bed of grits smothered in a gravy. The mac and cheese came in a small ramekin, with bubbling cheese oozing down the sides. Kim cut into the brisket first while Cassie bit into a fried chicken drum. To their surprise they found their meals lackluster. Kim felt like her experience with culinary competitions equipped her with enough food knowledge to provide an well-informed critique, and she did not hold back her disappointed analysis of each bite. Cassie listened, but the same flavors or lack thereof that seemed to irk Kim didn’t stop Cassie from taking bite after bite of the “salty” mac and cheese or the “bland” fried chicken. Cassie thought the lemonade batter in the chicken added a unique pizazz that gave her an excuse to use the word pizazz for the first time in her adult life. Kim didn’t think the flavors punched through like they should and hated the fact that the meat itself was dry. Considering the fact that her pompous criticisms of the meal might annoy Cassie, Kim tried to mute her dissatisfaction but every new bite caused her to wonder how a celebrity chef could mess up so badly. Sure the cook on the brisket was fine, but the tenderness of the meat was ruined by the over seasoning (a major rookie mistake). It was causing her throat to itch and she had to keep drinking water to wash it down. She must have drank four glasses back to back to stop herself from dehydrating. Chugging wasn’t the most polite or sexy thing to do on a first date, hang out, or whatever, but the food was giving her little choice.
She was optimistic when she took a big forkful of the mac that retained an impressive cheese pull, but once it hit her lips she met the same salty disappointment she had with the brisket.
After they reached their limit with their plates, their server came by to sell them on dessert. Kim was pleased to hear Cassie was a sucker for sweets and even happier when they both nearly leaped out of their chairs at the sound of banana bread pudding. Their server gave them another winning smile and cleared their plates. While they waited, Cassie pulled the conversation back to Kim’s dating life since she’s been in New York. She said she didn’t want to pry, but since Kim already brought up Stella she was curious if Kim had found any promising rebounds. Kim took a quick pause to decide how to answer this. The true answer was of course no. Kim hadn’t made any real attempt to hunt and secure a rebound, though there was that one time she tried to flirt with the cute juicer at her neighborhood deli. It resulted in Kim getting an extra veggie added to her juice at no cost, but after further neurotic thought, she didn’t want to ask for her number and run the risk of being denied and then having to find a new juice place. It was her favorite, and a close and reasonably priced juice was becoming harder and harder to come by.
If Kim told Cassie she was painfully single she worried Cassie would be instantly turned off. If she was interested at all. If she was even gay. Something Kim needed to figure out sooner rather than later, so she decided to respond with, “No I’m not seeing anyone right now, but I’m definitely open to it. It’s been hard not knowing that many people or where New York keeps their most desirable lesbians. What about you?”
Cassie shifted in her chair briefly then explained that she too was also single. It turns out, she didn’t know where New York kept their most desirable lesbians either and even though she put in some good work during her early years, she was now letting fate decide her next relationship. So far, fate was proving it was too busy to help Cassie out. Then again, it was fortuitous that Kim had reached out after so long. Cassie leaned forward a little to finish her sentence, “So maybe I don’t know anything about fate or its plans.” For the first time all night, Cassie gave Kim a sign that this might actually be a date and less of a whatever. Kim gave Cassie a smirk and they let the moment settle.
The banana pudding arrived and their server laid two spoons down on the table beside the plate. They each picked up a spoon and dipped in. The second the spoonful entered Kim’s mouth, all she could taste was nutmeg. A flavor she wasn’t fond of to begin with, and certainly didn’t enjoy it in spoonful quantities. Cassie’s face implied she was thinking something similar. “Is it just me, or is this gross?” Cassie asked. Kim told her it was inedible. They admitted defeat and waved to their server for the check. When he arrived at the table and noticed they hadn’t finished their dessert, he asked if something was wrong. Kim felt bad, but she told him how unappetizing it was. He immediately felt awful and ran back to his server station to take the dessert off their bill. Kim was impressed by the service at Butterfunk, even if she actually come for great food, being treated well by the whole staff had to count for something.
Kim and Cassie decided to split the bill and agreed to give their server a hefty tip. Both of them had worked as servers in their past and rarely ever gave below 20% tip, even if service was atrocious. Kim had hoped her first experience at Butterfunk Kitchen would have left more than a stamp of disappointment on her food passport, but she felt inspired to write her first Yelp review in months. In Oakland, writing reviews was a hobby she thrived on, but these days she was cooking at home and she didn’t think her favorite thai takeout place needed yet another 5 star review.
The two headed out of the restaurant and Kim offered to walk Cassie to the subway. Along the walk they made official plans to see the aforementioned MoMa exhibit and grab lunch at Eataly; another spot Kim had been dying to try. It was thrilling for Cassie to be a tour guide and pay it forward after all the tours she was given by old roommates and coworkers. As they got closer and closer to the F train, Kim started to have an internal meltdown. She wasn’t sure if she should try to kiss Cassie goodnight, especially with the memory of their first kiss rolling around in her mind. But if Kim didn’t try to kiss her would that instantly move her into the friendzone? It was clear this was the only chance at redemption she would get. After all, wasn’t the point of this whole night to put her college ghosts to rest for good?
Before Kim could make a decision or a move, Cassie grabbed Kim’s hand and kissed Kim. It wasn’t a long kiss, but it did feel meaningful. Kim could tell this probably had been weighing on Cassie too, and she was looking for her own form of redemption. Cassie didn’t make an excuse this time, and instead told Kim she had a great time tonight. Even if the food kind of sucked. She also wanted Kim to know that she never stopped thinking about that night in the library. Back then she wasn’t open about her sexuality or sure of it, and she wasn’t ready to explore anything. It wasn’t until she arrived in New York that she allowed herself to open up and explore being proud as a gay woman. She looked forward to next weekend at the MoMa and hoped that Kim would call her before then. Cassie walked down the subway steps, and Kim walked towards home feeling elated and weightless. Not only did she have a great time, but she finally got closure to one of the oddest nights of her young life. She also hadn’t thought of Stella once, which was a personal win Kim hadn’t expected to achieve so soon.
She was still wired when she got home so she cracked open a beer and her laptop and sat down to write her review with Gordo and Chachi cuddled at her side on the couch. She kept it short and to the point, avoiding useless additives to flourish the piece, unlike how Butterfunk took to over seasoning their food, “BOOM - roasted!” She thought. She didn’t want to severely deter future customers either, but she had a moral obligation to the readers of the site to be honest. Her priority was to make sure to highlight how great the staff was. She hated how so often other reviewers were absurdly critical of their servers and felt it was ironic how New Yorkers of all people, expected constant and consistent kindness from strangers. Then again, the same New Yorkers also expected you to navigate around them while they stared into their phones and walked down a street aimlessly. She read over her paragraph a few times making sure there were no errors and then pressed submit. She was glad she threw in the infamous line from Top Chef, “Pack your knives and go.” She found it cheeky and knew fans would appreciate it. The actual chef, probably not so much.
Tonight was the first night she felt like she was at home here and that felt good. She decided to finish the night off with a repeat of the Office and eventually dozed off on the couch. She woke an hour later to a grumbling and knotted stomach. The feeling was familiar and jutted her instantly off the couch and into the bathroom. It was amazing how a great night would now be masked by the memory of hours spent bent over the toilet in what Kim believed was the worst bout of food poisoning she ever had. She thought about texting Cassie to see if she was going through something similar, but figured her personal hell was bad enough without sharing the embarrassment with a love interest. Thankfully Harry and June didn’t come home until dawn and by then Kim was able to crawl into her bed.
She woke up Saturday afternoon and felt surprisingly refreshed. The nightmarish evening felt like a foggy memory, but she had one very important thing to do. She got up, grabbed her laptop and updated her Yelp review.
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